Pride and Prejudice: A Parody
by Sylvester
Summary: Harry's(Eliza Bennet) and Remus's(Jane Bennet) lives are changed when Sirius Black(Mr. Bingley) and his best friend Severus Snape(Mr. Darcy) comes to town. ON HIATUS
1. Breakfast, and some good news

Pride and Prejudice: a Parody  
  


Pairings: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Hermione Granger/Ronald Weasley, Minerva McGonagall/Albus Dumbledore, Lavender Brown/ Blaise Zabini.  
  


Summary: This is my version of Pride and Prejudice: Harry Potter style! I've stuck VERY loosely to the plot line of Jane Austen's classic. I've had to tweeze a few things, cut a couple of the less important characters, but I've really tried to keep all the main people in there! Enjoy!   
  


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and co., nor do I claim any rights to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I am not making any money from this, either.   
  


Author's Note: THIS STORY CONTAINS SLASH, WHICH MEANS GUY/GUY LOVE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, FIND SOMETHING A BIT MORE HETEROSEXUAL. THANK YOU. Well, now that that's out of the way, I have a few little notes. One, Sirius and Severus have this kind of love/hate friendship going on, I know that's not canon, but it's the only way I could make this work:) The ages are a bit different than canon, too. Sirius, Remus, and Snape are about 10 years younger. Harry and his year are around 17. Please review! Constructive criticism is welcomed! 

***  
  


"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.(1)"  
  


-or a hot guy, if he "swings that way."   
  


***  
  


Albus Dumbledore frowned as his wife rambled on about how none of their grandchildren had settled down yet. He rolled his eyes when she started suggesting potential mates for each and every one of them, and continued ignoring her in general behind his Daily Prophet. 

"....and Albus! Dear Remus is so handsome, and well tempered, that I wonder why no one has proposed marriage to him yet. What say you, love?" Minerva inquired, sipping her Earl Grey. 

"Honestly, I think he's too young for marriage, he's only 29! Minerva, I proposed to you at 62, for Goodness sake!" He smirked to himself, knowing that he was goading his wife of 48 years. Her lips thinned, and her eyelids narrowed, a sure sign that he was pissing her off rather rapidly. Excellent. She was always so entertaining when fired up.

"Oh, I see! And I suppose you have no objection to Harry being paired off at 60?" 

"Heavens no, that child will be snatched up any day now! He has a certain something more, an inner fire that is burning and sharp. He is not quite as attractive physically as our lovely Remus, I'll admit, but he is quite handsome, and more savvy than his other cousins." Albus reached for the pancakes, but Minerva yanked the plate away. 

"How can you say that? Remus is highly intelligent! Why should he be inferior to Harry?" 

"I didn't say that. It's just that Remus isn't as aggressive in romance, it will take him longer to connect strongly with someone. He just courts at a slower pace." Her eyes blazed with anger, and he prepared for the worst. 

"You favor Harry too much, Albus. Yes, he is a tad more ferocious than his older cousin, but that doesn't make him better. And what about the other three? Lavender and Parvati are steadily growing more beautiful, and they are very popular among the quidditch team boys in town. And Neville....uh, Neville is....oh dear." 

After a few second's, her husband cut in to dish out a few compliments for the middle of all the Gryffindor cousins. "He is sweet, caring, and very loyal to everyone in our little family. That Ginny Weasley down in the village seems to have a certain fondness for him. That would be a lovely pairing! Why don't you set about arranging that up, my dear?" For Minerva had a certain knack for being a match maker. 

"Yes, well, maybe on my free time. But I have a lovely bit of news, dear! A rather wealthy gentleman and his party from London has bought a manor here in Hogsmeade! And Filius and his wife are hosting the annual Halloween masquerade next week! Perhaps you may call on them at Godric's Hollow today. I'm sure they would be delighted to meet Remus, or any of the other children, at the ball. Will you, Albus?" Her voice held a pleading note, and her fun-loving husband decided to toy with her a bit more. 

On this note the younger two of the five children entered the kitchen. Parvati glanced at her grandfather from under her dark brown fringe, while Lavender immediately went down on her knees at his chair. 

"Oh please, Grandfather! We must be introduced to them! They are from London! And perhaps one of them is not yet married." She giggled, and Albus had to force himself not roll his eyes at her silliness. 

Remus and Harry strode in, looking rumpled, but gorgeous from sleep, and plopped down at the table without a word. "Mornin' Grandma, Grandpa." Harry mumbled, eyes closed and blindly groping for the pancakes and syrup. Remus lent him a hand and passed the food over. 

"It's a beautiful day, children. Why are you not outside? Go for a walk! Exercise is the best way to clear you mind and release tension!" Dumbledore smiled, and the last boy trudged in, looking much similar to his elder cousins. 

"Wha's for b-b-breakfast?" Neville yawned, sitting next to Harry. "Mmmm! Pancakes with maple syrup! My favorite!" And he dug into his meal without another word. Remus looked up as Minerva reignited her rant.

"Well? What of the call to the new neighbors?" 

Dumbledore smirked behind his paper. "Whatever for, dear? I care not whether this man is a millionaire or a pauper. The children can walk over there and introduce themselves if they really want a meeting, I don't see why I must be involved." He felt rather than saw his wife's beady eyes narrow menacingly. The girls whined in indignation, and the three boys looked mildly put-out. They were looking forward to their meeting the new villagers. 

"Do you not care for your grandchildren's well being? This could determine their future! It is good for them to make high connections such as these. I cannot see why you are being so indifferent." She huffed, petting Lavender's sunny brown hair. Dumbledore decided to end the game.

"Well, you may stop fretting, all of you. I called on Sirius Black yesterday, and he said that it will be a genuine delight to meet you all." all five teens whooped in joy, and flung themselves on top of their grandfather. "He'll be returning the visit sometime this week." He added, trying to hug all five of his grandchildren at once, and almost succeeding. Lavender and Parvati jumped back, excited looks spread all over their pretty faces. 

"We need new dresses for the masquerade! And while in town, we can pick up a turkey for dinner when Mr. Black comes to call! May we have some money, Grandmother?" Lavender said very fast, practically bouncing with thrill. Harry looked at her with a frown as their grandmother passed some galleons over to the girls. His youngest cousin was so shallow. He could see her mind stuck on three words, repeating them like a mantra: 'Shopping! Quidditch boys! Shopping! Quidditch boys!" But he was delighted with the upcoming ball. Remus had dared him to go in drag, so he decided to do Cinderella. HE would need a dress, too. Oh, and glass slippers. Thank goodness he and Remus had saved their allowances, unlike the two frivolous girls. 

Remus addressed his grandparents. "Harry, Neville and I need costumes as well. We'll escort the ladies. See you later, Grandma, Grandpa." The five of them lined up in a row, passing by their grandparents in turn to kiss them on the cheek, and head out the door, pockets full of spending money. It was going to be a good day. 

***

(1) Pride and Prejudice, page 1.


	2. The Halloween Ball, and some acerbic ins...

Pride and Prejudice: a Parody  
  


chapter 2  
  


Author's Note: The time period is present-day, but there's the twist on the language that might confuse. I was going for Victorian speak! Hope I didn't botch it up too bad. Oh, and the Weasleys in this story aren't related, they just look a bit alike^_^ 

***

In town, Harry immediately met up with his best friend, Hermione Granger. They had been lifelong chums since infancy, when Mrs. Granger and Mrs. Dumbledore had sat them together in the same play pen every day until they reached the ripe old age of 2. 

"So Harry, are you still going to assume the role of Cinderella for the Halloween Dance? I already acquired a tiara you could wear, if so." Hermione chattered, elbow entwined with Harry's. 

"Yes, actually. Remus is going to be my dashing Prince Charming. Will you help me pick out a ball gown? You know I am terribly inept when it comes to these things." He smiled as her brown eyes lit up with the thrill of dressing Harry like a porcelain doll. He knew she would revel the task.   
  
  
  


Remus traipsed into the apparel store a little time after Harry and Hermione. He headed at once to the Costume department, and picked out the perfect medieval prince outfit. As he headed to the changing rooms, a pair of men quickly passed by the shop window. At first, he could have sworn he imagined it, but by sticking his face against the pane, he could see their elegant, retreating forms striding across the village. So THAT was Sirius Black, and one of the members of his party.....  
  
  
  


Harry spun around in front of Hermione and Remus, feeling imbecilic as the sparkling silver and baby-blue hoop skirt expanded out and twirled around him. His childhood friend clapped, and his cousin whistled. Harry punched them both on the arms jestingly before slipping on the light blue satin gloves that hugged his arms, and then the translucent glass slippers. 

"It's perfect! Cuz, you are quite handsome, even for a gentlewoman!" Remus exclaimed with a mock bow, the bright red feather in his cap tickling the floor. His handsome woollen tunic cut off at the ends of his broad shoulders, and just touched his thighs. The leather leggings were Harry's touch, but the silver studded knee-high boots were Hermione's. Harry had come to the conclusion that his cousin was the fairest in the land. He needed not a magic mirror to show him that. 

"Still your tongue! This girdle is crushing my ribs! How did women wear these?!" Harry whined, tugging uselessly at the hidden corset that gave him the slender feminine form for the dress.

"Stop complaining, you look marvelous. Well, my princess, shall we purchase these fine garments? I do wish to be finding the rest of our blood and departing." Remus commented, undressing himself and hanging the costume on a hanger. Harry followed suit, with Hermione helping him out of the corset.  
  


That evening, the cousins were in Remus's bedroom, frantically pulling on their garments and accessories. Lavender and Parvati were fighting over a necklace, and Remus and Neville had misplaced their hats (Neville was going as a Musketeer). Harry was busy charming his dark hair long, so that curly, ringlet-like locks flowed down his shoulders. He had just managed to regain his breath. Lavender had pulled the girdle strings a bit too hard..... 

Their grandmother entered the room, bedecked in a sequined Egyptian outfit, with an ankh and scepter. She immediately strode over to Lavender and Parvati, and pulled the necklace out of both of their hands, and passed it to Harry, who amusedly draped it around his neck. Both of his younger cousins glared at him.

After the initial mayhem was taken care of, and the hats retrieved, Albus walked in. Everyone shielded their eyes from his blindingly bright rainbow tie-dye smock and beads. Neville had suggested their grandfather go as a hippie, and Dumbledore had proclaimed it a grand idea. Harry, Remus, Lavender, and Parvati turned to said cousin as one and tackled him. He shrieked in alarm as the four playfully piled up onto him. 

"You dare turn our respectable grandfather into a flamboyantly colored druggie!" Remus yelled between peals of laughter, and Neville gasped "Gerroff me! Gerroff me!" to his family. 

After a minute, everyone retreated off, and Neville was able to breathe again. 

"Harry, let me charm your eyes. Who ever heard of a bespeckled Cinderella?" Minerva said, placing a temporary spell on her grandson's eyes so that he could function without his glasses.

"Thank you, Grandpa! Remus, will you help me pin up my hair, it's a bit rowdy...."

***

The Flitwick House was brimming with festively-colored towns members, and Harry immediately joined in the fun. A Disc Jockey was hired, and fast paced dance music blared enticingly throughout the ballroom. His body swayed, and he tapped his glass-encased toes to the beat. 

"Why, there is the Black party! We must be introduced! Grandpa? Will you introduce us to the Blacks?" Neville asked eagerly, his Musketeer feather tickling Remus's ear. 

"If I must." Dumbledore replied, swaying through the crowd, leading the Gryffindor procession. Soon they were met with a wonderful sight. 

Sirius Black, new owner of Grimmauld Lodge, was bedecked in a very authentic-looking construction worker's uniform. He was exceedingly pleasant looking. His sharp cobalt eyes were complimented by his dark brown, almost black, hair that curled just below his ears. He tucked his hard hat under his well-muscled arm as Remus came into his view. 

"Mr. Black, may I introduce you to my five grandchildren? From left to right, Remus, Harry, Neville, Lavender, and Parvati. Children, this is our new neighbor, Sirius Black." Dumbledore finished, placing his hand on Harry's shoulder. 

Sirius was very polite and exuberant, and he readily introduced the Gryffindors to his party: Harry gasped when seeing the new neighbor's best friend, Severus Snape. The man was handsome beyond any in the room. He had a classical face, with high cheekbones, and thin pink lips. His eyes were of the deepest coal, as was his shoulder-length glossy hair. But his beauty was marred by the deep, disapproving frown. He looked to be incredibly conceited, proud even. It repelled Harry like fire to Morlocks(1). 

Another dapper gentleman exchanged pleasantries with the Gryffindor party. He was an elvish youth, around Harry's own age, with shining blond hair that slicked back over his head. He was introduced as Draco Malfoy, son of Sir Lucius Malfoy. Draco was also with his cousin, Pansy Parkinson. She was a bit ugly, but very refined, and was pleasant to talk to. The gray eyes of Mr. Malfoy showed a detached curiosity in Remus, and he immediately swept the eldest cousin into their party.

Harry laughed and danced with several men and women that night. It was common knowledge that the eldest Gryffindor boys swung both ways. Harry enjoyed being able to appreciate the beauties of both sexes. It gave him more options. 

About halfway through the night, after a particularly energy-draining tango with Remus, he found himself seated not far away from where Mr. Snape and Filius Flitwick were discussing the dances. 

"But my dear man, I have not seen you step out on the dance floor but twice tonight! I see many a lovely young lady and lad perched on the sides of the room, wanting a partner! Why not indulge a few? And there is Mr. Harry Gryffindor! Is he not a flower among this rabble in his pretty fairy tale dress?" The man laughed in jest, but Snape just scanned the room with distaste. 

His eyes landed on Harry, but he seemed to think that the Gryffindor couldn't see or hear past the end of his nose, for he said in a clear voice that carried well past Harry's ears,"He is decent, but not handsome enough to woo me." Harry saw red, and felt himself blush with humility. "Dressing in drag, how utterly demoralizing. And I'm sure that he didn't even bother with the finer details of his costume. Like the glass slippers."

The next thing the Gryffindor grandson knew, he was up on his feet, his long black hair a bit untidy from some of the more rowdier dances. He marched right up to the tall form of Mr. Snape, and hiked his numerous skirts up. He protruded one dainty foot encased in a glass slipper from under the petticoats, and waved it about in a jabbing fashion, clearly demanding that Snape look at it very hard. Snape had not the decency to look the least bit shameful of his insult being overheard, but raised an eyebrow at the shoe. 

"And for YOUR information, my dear Mr. Snape," Harry said with cold civility that sharpened his tongue, lowering his skirts and shoving stray bits of raven hair behind his ears. "This corset is squeezing the air from my body like an vice! Good day to you, sirs!" And he elegantly strode off to fetch Remus, his form instantly being enveloped by the gay crowd of twirling couples. 

But as Severus lost sight of Harry's ball gown, he couldn't stop himself from thinking about how stunningly bright the young man's green eyes had been. 

***

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter! Please review! 

(1) "....like fire to Morlocks..." From The Time Machine, by H.G. Wells. Morlocks were the more intelligent, and more barbaric, descendants of present-day humans. They couldn't stand light, and the Time Traveller used fire to repel them. Just a wee bit o' background:) 


End file.
